BLING!

There appears to be this craze to pierce all visible and covered body parts. I don't get it. The ears, certainly. However, it is disconcerting to try to give an order in a restaurant to some girl whose tongue is pierced and she acts as if she's TRYING to show it off! Yuck! So here's to all the boys and girls who feel they must defile their bodies in this manner.

Bling on her fingers.
Bling on her toes.
Bling in her navel.
Bling in her nose.

Bling in her nipples.
Bling on her bum.
Bling how she glitters!
Bling she's not done.

Bling in her eyebrow.
Bling in her tongue.
Bling in her small ears.
Bling, eight for fun!

Bling near her honey.
Bling goes the wand.
Bling at the airport.
Bling she won't leave land.

Bling! Bling! Bling! Bling! Bling!

GOD IS A WOMAN!

I received a poem in my email from my niece. It was titled, "I'm Glad I am A Man".
In this, he has , in general, put down everything woman. I'm sorry. I just couldn't let this pass without rebuttal. By the way, not only is God a woman, She has a bitchin' sense of humor. After all, She did create man! I have countered him line for line. I didn't bother about the commode lid up or down. They STILL pee in the floor! So follows my response.

Oh, you are so proud and glad of being quite the man.
You whine and are spiteful when a woman takes a stand.
You never worry about your size.
You gape at skinny girls and bitch about our thighs.

Hell no you don't drink diet coke, my dear.
You stuff your gut with steaks, pizzas and lots of cold beer.
You should be "lifted". I'll loan you a bra.
Your eyes are puffy. You're too saggy in ear and jaw.

It doesn't take you hours to fix your hair.
You wear a baseball cap to cover baldness there!
Putting up with Men's Shit, that's PMS.
We get the silent treatment as you "deal" with your stress.

Intuition?! You're the last out of the gate.
Sharing household duties doesn't count cleaning your plate!
You're a man who thinks he's really slick.
You wear a suit called "Speedo". It doesn't cover dick!

Cry like a baby, oh selfish lover!
Yes, "g-spots" are there waiting to be discovered.
You rush through lovemaking, no thought to her.
Wham! Bam! That eighty second ride doesn't count here, sir.

You say we're crazy but, who starts all war?
Your heroes are those who have the largest kill so far.
So pleased to be a male; you DO mean to gloat.
I programmed it. Before I slap you, share the remote!

There's no way you could play hard to get, man.
You come sidling up to us with your wick in your hand.
You go out at night looking for a chance
Just trying to get into some bitch's underpants.

I know you man with your Y-chromosome.
You love them and leave them. Trust me, they're glad you've gone.
Done right, we're MULTIORGASMIC, and YOU?!
Giver of life, Momma can take you out when SHE's through.

THOUGHTS ON LIFE

You must live life to it's fullest, as if you had forever.
You must love the to the fullest, as if you were going to die tomorrow.
A good man is so very hard to find.
True friends are worth more than gold, she'll be there through thick and thin.
Courage is being scared shitless but, still cowgirling up.
All children are a precious commodity and are everyone's responsibility.
Cancer is no respecter of youth, riches, sex or religion.
There is a God and She has a very wicked sense of humor.
My sister, Jo and my daughter, Sharna are the most erudite women that I have ever had the pleasure of knowing in my life.
I wish I had met my husband twenty years sooner.

WARNING

I TOLD YOU IN THE BEGINNING THAT I'D SEEN TOO MUCH CRAP IN THIS LIFETIME. the more "SENSITIVE" of you need to heed this warning. DO NOT READ " Mother" or "Vodka World". They are not pretty but, they are just too fucking true.
Mother was a half crazed, evil fucker. Father was a full blown alcoholic who drank after shave when he ran out of vodka.
In spite of her screaming, violent outbursts at him for drinking; she still bought the shit for him.
I make no apologies to anyone concerning their contents. Should any of my family read this blog, I make no apologies to them for telling the unvarnished truth.

FAKING IT

I have two EX husbands who still haven't a clue.
Hey, guys. For years, I was faking it. All along, I thought the word orgasm was made up as regards women, at least.
The first one had the stamina. I will give him that. Babe, if you're going to "Tool Up"; learn to do the service.
Oh, the poor second one. I called him the "Minute Man". 'Nough said.
My first sweaty, ride 'em hard cowgirl, screaming "Oh, God" orgasm came(don't you just love that word?)at the ripe old age of fifty. Now I KNEW. HOLY SHIT. My current walks around a very happy man. But, he is the very one that caused this woman to become multi orgasmic and buddy, let me tell you...nope, best not.
So I have come to the following conclusions:
1. Not all dicks are created equal.
2. Foreplay is not "Wanna' fuck?"
3. That 80 second buzzer has NOTHING to do with making love.
4. I LIKE his mouth ALL over me.
5. Life is too short to keep faking it.

ON GETTING PUBLISHED

I've been writing for most of my life. Most recently though, I have tried to get a manuscript published. It has been an education in of itself.
1. Not Christian enough
2. Too foul mouthed
3. Too many rhyming verse
4. Not enough rhyming verse
5. Need to pay the editor ( I thought that was his job at his company)
6. And last but certainly, not least, it will only cost you $15,000 to $18,000 dollars as the "author participation" fee. This came from a "Christian" publisher who wanted to pray with me BEFORE he took my money! Sound like some of those EEEvangelists. Send your money to me.( I need a new Rolls) God will bless you. I guess I have bitched enough. See ya' later.

FRICKIN' BANNED IN CHINA!

I wonder just what the HELL I did to the Chinese? For cryin' out loud, you'd think I'd crapped on Mao Ts(sp) Tung! I guess that a woman isn't supposed to have independent thought. Tough shit! Anyone ever notice how verrrry short men seem to most often be absolute assholes? I think this is hilarious!Somebody pin a star on me..I've pissed off the Commies!

BANTAM ROOSTER

Between George W. and FEMA,
They've really fucked things up.
Those poor folks on the coast
Have nowhere to live or sup.
Rotted food and melted ice
Sitting in big old trucks.
Clothing and blankets donated
never delivered, what fuck ups!
Tries to hide his unholy mess
behind new tax "breaks".
He's breaking the middles class
to give the rich all they can take.
He promised his daddy he'd give him Iraq.
While insurgents are training here
right behind his back.
Bantam rooster rattles sabers at Iran.
He demands an end to nuclear testing.
It's time his own divestiture began!
He cannot police every country.
They don't want it. Can't he see?
To hell with sending billions overseas!
I beg that in November,
whoever becomes President,
is not like the Bantam Rooster.
We need one far more intelligent!